Nation out of Things to Be Thankful for

BOSTON, MA – As millions of Americans across the country made preparations for their family Thanksgiving dinners, it quickly became apparent that the entire nation was completely out of things to be thankful for. “I was putting the turkey in the oven when it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t have a single thing to express gratitude for this year,” said 46-year-old mother of three Jill Montgomery. “I was wracking my brain trying to come up with something, but our democracy is in shambles, climate change is coming for all of us whether we like it or not, and The Good Place is on its final season, so I was pretty much out of ideas,” she added, echoing the sentiments of Americans nationwide. 

Unable to come up with anything to be thankful for, many Americans were dreading having to go around the table and say what they were thankful for, as is customary in many households. “I’ve got nothing,” said 34-year-old plumber Nicky Velazquez, “so when it comes time to go around and say what we’re thankful for, I’m just gonna have to pretend like I have to throw up or something, and just hope to God they won’t remember to ask me later on during dinner.” Other Americans were making similar preparations to dodge their families’ annual expressions of thanks, including one man who was reportedly concocting an elaborate plan to fake his own death involving a turkey baster and a tub of cranberry sauce.

At press time, as thanksgiving meals were wrapping up, and families were getting ready to go black Friday shopping, it suddenly dawned on every single American that they had no idea what to get anybody in their family for Christmas.

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