BOSTON, MA – In the early morning hours on Monday, millions of Americans across the country woke up to the sudden realization that the popular sport of football is, at its core, just men tossing a ball around. “I got up this morning, and as I was checking my fantasy football stats, it just sort of hit me that, when you think about it, football is just 22 guys in spandex passing a ball back and forth for 3 hours,” said 32-year-old Tyler Reynolds of Oklahoma City.
Echoing similar sentiments that were suddenly and inexplicably experience by Americans across the country, 27-year-old Hannah Bixby of Seattle said “I was doing yoga this morning, and I just thought to myself, ‘For the past 10 years, I’ve been spending every single Sunday afternoon of the fall watching grown men run around with an inflatable rubber ball? What is wrong with me?”
Others, like 46-year-old Sam Milton of Duluth, expressed dismay that football fandom extends not only to watching professionals play the game, but also to collegiate athletes and high schoolers. “As I was brushing my teeth this morning, it dawned on me that, on Friday nights in cities and towns across the Nation, thousands of people pour into stadiums to watch a bunch of teenage boys take what is essentially a children’s toy, and carry it back and forth across a field, all while other teenagers wave pom poms and a marching band plays music. There’s something deeply, deeply disturbing about that.”
By midday, hundreds of millions of Americans across the country had finally realized that no reasonable society would ever pay grown men millions of dollars to throw a weirdly-shaped ball to other grown men all day long, and that such an occupation was of absolutely no value to society. On Monday afternoon, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell gave a press conference to announce that he would be disbanding the NFL, and donating all of the profits of the NFL to charity. He then went on to announce that he would be dedicating his time to teaching de-escalation tactics to local law-enforcement agencies, and hoped other former coaches, analysts, trainers, and players would take up similarly useful pursuits.
At press time, there was no word yet as to whether or not the rest of the world had finally realized that soccer is nothing more than 22 men kicking an inflatable ball around for an hour and a half.