Old Man Moves to Florida

BOSTON, MA – In a week full of unprecedented and life-altering news, the most closely followed development in New England this week is that an old man living in the area has decided to move to Florida. In a move that came as a surprise to neighbors and the many Boston area residents who knew him, 42-year-old Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr., a California native who moved to Boston in 2000, decided to relocate to Tampa Bay, presumably, like most old people that move to Florida, for the warmer weather and lower taxes.

Somehow, this seemingly uninteresting anecdote about a man nearing the end of his career deciding to move to Florida has become the top trending story in the Boston area, despite this being a thoroughly mundane and commonplace event. In response, many residents have expressed indignation that this ostensibly ordinary occurrence has become the talk of the town, including 63-year-old native Betsy O’Connor, who said “so a man who’s about to retire decides to head down to Florida? What’s the big deal? My brother Ned just moved down to Boca Raton, and my cousin Linda is moving to West Palm Beach next month. Big whoop!”

Others we spoke to had been hoping Thomas might stick around for another year or two, but admitted that, given his age, moving to Florida probably made sense. “Yeah, to be honest, given how old he is, that tracks,” said 31-year-old Mike DiGiordano, before adding “but still, I’m gonna miss the guy.”

At press time, there was also much speculation that Tom’s close friend 67-year-old William Belichik would be retiring and moving somewhere else soon, causing a great deal of hubbub despite that decision also being a wholly unsurprising thing to do.

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