SALT LAKE CITY, UT – As SARS-CoV-2 continues to spread across the country, several Republican governors have insisted that the deadly virus has the right to infect whoever it wants to. At a press conference yesterday, Utah Governor Gary Herbert defended his decision not to issue a statewide shelter-in-place order, saying “Look, the fact of the matter is, we live in the land of the free and the home of the brave, and that means that if a pandemic wants to ravage the population, that is its God-given right.”
Other Republican governors made similar statements, including South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem who said, “Here in the United States of America, we don’t put restrictions on freedom, especially not when it comes to restricting the spread of an illness that is killing people left and right. Sadly, as usual, the lame-stream liberal media is trying to drum up fears in order to impose Stalinist public health measures to curtail the spread of this virus that should be spreading freely.”
At press time, all eight governors refusing to issue shelter-in-place orders in their states were too busy checking their stock portfolios to notice the dozens of frantic incoming calls from their states’ health departments.