AUSTIN, TX – Defending the state’s decision to ease social distancing measures, Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick said “there are more important things than living,” shortly after ripping open the chest cavity of the state’s latest human sacrifice and taking a large bite out of the person’s still beating heart.
“The scientists said 6,000 Texans would die from COVID-19 unless we did social distancing, so we did social distancing and now only 500 people have died. Clearly that means the scientists didn’t know what the hell they were talking about,” said the 70-year-old lieutenant governor, as human blood dribbled down his chin and soaked his shirt. “That’s why we’re done listening to scientists and we’re going to do things the Texas way from now on. And that starts with ending these draconian social distancing measures and instead sacrificing one human every hour to the minor economy god, Cashotep, so we can get Texans back to work.”
When pressed about the human sacrifices, Patrick added “Yes, it’s tragic that Governor Abbott and I are going to have to ritually sacrifice hundreds, if not thousands of Texans in order to get the state up and running again, but if that’s what it takes to give my children and grandchildren a better future, then that’s a human sacrifice I’m willing to make.” The statement came moments before the next human sacrifice was dragged, in shackles, into the State Capitol and placed before the makeshift altar to Cashotep next to the papier-mâché bust of Ronald Reagan made from old editions of the Wall Street Journal.
At press time, neither Patrick nor the governor had said how the human sacrifices would be chosen, but sources close to the governor’s office said that the victims would most likely be poor people of color.