Minneapolis Police Restoring Community Trust By Firing Rubber Apologies, Hurling Canisters Full of Remorse at Protestors

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – In response to recent protests following the death of George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis Police officer Derek Chauvin, the Minneapolis P.D. demonstrated their desire to make amends for Floyd’s murder and win back the trust of the community by showering the protestors with rubber apologies and hurling canisters full of remorse at them.

“The anger over the death of Goerge Floyd is a clear sign that we have failed to protect and serve the Minneapolis Black community, so we are saying sorry and atoning the only way we know how: with a barrage of super repentant riot control weapons,” said 40-year-old Minneapolis P.D. spokesperson Garreth Noonan. “We won’t rest until we’ve doused every single protestor in attrition spray until their eyes stream tears of reconciliation,” he added.

At the same time, police officers stationed at big-box retailers all across the city were busy putting civic engagement handcuffs on anyone seen attempting to enter the stores. 

“We’re starting conversations with residents to get to know the neighborhoods we serve better, using trust-building phrases like ‘put your hands where I can see them’ and ’you have the right to remain silent’. That’s the only way our city will begin to heal,” said Noonan.

At press time, Noonan was coordinating with armed National Guard troops on how to establish a city-wide policy of forgiveness-seeking martial law.

Image credit: Tony Webster c/o Flickr, file is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 license


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