Two Lucky Bastards Escape Earth

SPACE – In a televised launch watched by millions across the planet, two lucky bastards shot off in a rocket into outer space, leaving behind the dumpster fire that is the Earth to go live aboard the International Space Station. 

“Yeah, between COVID-19, racism, and the looming existential threat of climate change, we’re feeling pretty lucky to be leaving the planet for a little while,” said lucky bastard Robert Behnken during an interview shortly after arriving at the ISS. 

“Definitely good timing. Schitt’s Creek was the only thing left that this planet had going for it, and now that’s over, so I’m fortunate we were able to get out while we could,” added fellow lucky bastard Douglas Hurley.

Meanwhile, back on the unmitigated clusterfuck of a planet known as Earth, those left behind were reportedly jealous that those two fortunate mofos were able to just fuck off into outer space like that, and leave the rest of us to fend for ourselves.

“Astronauts? More like asstronauts, am I right?” said 32-year-old left-behinder Leticia Jackson.

Others we interviewed simply broke into screams of incoherent jealous rage.

In a joint statement shortly after the launch, SpaceX and NASA said that, although they have no immediate plans to help other people escape the utter hopelessness of life on Earth, they did say that it’ll only be a matter of years before the entire planet has to be evacuated and that they would do their best to save as many people as they could, though they admitted that most of them would probably be wealthy white men.

Image is in the public domain c/o NASA


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