WASHINGTON D.C. – On Tuesday, the Trump administration announced they would be closing 13 federally-funded COVID-19 testing sites at the end of the month as part of President Trump’s brand new “If We Can’t See COVID, COVID Can’t See Us” initiative meant to tackle the COVID-19 pandemic.
“I’m about to lay out a big, beautiful, simple plan for stopping [COVID-19],” hinted the President at a poorly attended rally over the weekend, “because if we can’t tell who has [COVID-19], then neither can the virus.”
The plan, which calls for a rollback of COVID-19 testing nationwide has been hailed by fellow conservatives as a visionary strategy for tackling the pandemic that has already claimed nearly 125,000 American lives.
“Donald Trump knows better than anyone how diseases work. That’s why his plan to confuse the virus by making it think nobody has the virus is a surefire way to stop it in its tracks,” said Trump’s attorney Rudy Giuliani before going on an unrelated 10-minute rant about how Chobani Greek yogurt is a socialist conspiracy funded by George Soros.
At press time, Trump was also mulling an initiative that would end police brutality by pretending not to hear the pleas of Black Lives Matter protestors but admitted the initiative wouldn’t change much since that’s already what the administration is doing.
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