Mask Purchases Surge After House Introduces Bill Requiring Universal Background Checks to Buy Masks

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a controversial move aimed at stemming the tide of the COVID-19 pandemic, the House of Representatives introduced a bill requiring universal background checks in order to purchase masks. In response to the threat of mask control, purchases of masks and other facial coverings have surged by over 200% nationwide, and public mask wearing has reached a record high 95% compliance rate across the country, a crucial step in flattening the curve. 

Hours after the bill was introduced, a lobbying group calling itself the National Respiratory Association, or NRA, filed with the IRS as a 501(c)(4). The group, comprised primarily of major PPE producers such as 3M, Honeywell, and Kimberly-Clark, issued an official response to the bill saying, “We are disappointed that Congress would introduce legislation that flies directly in the face of our Constitutional right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Americans have a right to personal protection, and a right to defend ourselves from the growing threat of infectious disease.”  

At the same time, dozens of state legislatures passed so-called “concealed airway” laws, which give individuals the right to publicly wear masks, face coverings, and any other concealment devices that filter incoming air, and prevent airborne droplets from escaping when exhaling.

“The only way to stop a diseased person without a mask, is a bunch of non-diseased people with masks, so that the R-rate stays below 1 and we can finally be done with this stupid pandemic,” said one state senator.

At press time, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was rumored to be working on a bill that would finally achieve meaningful gun reform by requiring that every American own a gun and keep it with them at all times.

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