‘Why Do All Politicians Suck?’ Say 100,000,000 Who Don’t Vote

BOSTON, MA – Expressing disappointment at the lack of exciting options for the upcoming presidential election, 100,000,000 Americans vocally complained about our country’s political representation despite never voting themselves.

“Politics is so stupid. Every politician in every party is crooked and evil and they all suck,” said 57-year-old Wendy Mendes, who has never cast a single vote in her entire goddamn life.

Echoing that sentiment, 32-year-old Dirk Williams, who also can’t be bothered to go to the fucking polls ever, added, “Our country is going down the toilet because all of our elected leaders are terrible. If only there was a mechanism whereby me and my fellow constituents could actually directly express our interests when it comes to who represents us. If only we lived in a country where a growing number of principled and conscientious political upstarts have run grassroots campaigns where they have successfully ousted long-time, powerful politicians with deeper pockets. If only we could come together as a society and all do our part to support good candidates, starting at the local level where we can have a greater impact, and then slowly work our way up to the national level. If only the vast majority of people just wanted candidates who do what’s right for the folks they represent and aren’t beholden to special interests, and if only there was a way we could tap into that power of the silent majority for the greater good. But nah, man. The entire fucking thing is rigged from top to bottom.”

At press time, Dirk was thinking about voting for the Libertarian candidate for president and then leaving all of the other down-ballot races blank.


Image credit: Stock Media provided by AndreyPopov / Pond5

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