Presidential Debate Commission Agrees to Give Future Moderators Ability to Hit Unruly Candidates With 10,000V Shock Straight to Nipples

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following the chaos of the first presidential debate, the Commission on Presidential Debates agreed to a rule change that will allow future moderators to administer a 10,000V electric shock straight to the nipples of any candidate who goes over their allotted time or fails to follow debate rules.

Commissioner Nancy Kramer explained the decision saying, “After the colossal shit-show that was the first debate, we felt we needed to give moderators of the second and third presidential debates a better way to keep the candidates, particularly President Trump, in line. A 10kV electric shock square in the teats ought to render any candidate who speaks out of turn thoroughly incapacitated as they writhe around in agony, ensuring the debate doesn’t get out of hand.”

Spokespersons for both the Biden and Trump campaigns have agreed to the rule, although the Trump campaign had alternatively suggested that the moderator be given a super-soaker full of urine to spray in the mouth of any candidate speaking out of turn. 

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