Fate of World Resting on Shoulders of Weird Relative Who Lives in Pittsburgh

PITTSBURGH, PA – As millions of Americans cast their votes in-person today after a record-breaking early voting turnout, election experts agreed that the outcome of the election, and thus the fate of the entire world, could be hinging on your weird relative who moved to Pittsburgh a few years ago and who you haven’t spoken to since.

“Our current forecast shows Pennsylvania being the most likely tipping-point state,” said FiveThirtyEight founder and editor-in-chief Nate Silver. “So whether Biden wins and manages to bring the United States back from the brink of fascism depends entirely on whether or not your weird Uncle Brody, or Cousin Lamar, or Aunt Justine, or whatever their name is, ends up putting their ballot in a drop box by 8pm like they said they would, or whether the weed gummy they took this morning ends up being a little more potent than they were expecting and they decide they’re going to ‘take a nap’ but then they wake up at 9:30 and realize it’s too late to drop off the ballot so they just order Dominos instead. If that’s the case, our planet is hosed.”

At press time, it was also unclear if your weird relative had cast their ballot for Jo Jorgensen, since their recent social media posts seemed to indicate that they were considering it.

Image credit: Stock Media provided by Surfwala / Pond5


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