2021 Says It Just Getting Started

BOSTON, MA – After an unprecedented week in which rioters stormed the U.S. Capitol in an attempt to overturn the results of the 2020 election, the year 2021 announced that it’s just getting started. “You ain’t seen nothing yet,” said 2021. “If 2020 was the year of Black people trying to protest peacefully, 2021 is going to be the year of white people trying to protest unpeacefully. And if you thought this week was bad, just wait until February when white people find out Trader Joes has filed for bankruptcy.”

Reminding everyone that it was hopelessly naïve to think 2021 would be any less of a shitstorm than the year before, 2021 went on to list other things they had planned for the year. “If you thought murder hornets were bad, wait until the killer zebras invade in June. They’re striped, angry, and they will fuck up your shit,” said 2021 laughing maniacally. “And if you thought QAnon was batshit crazy, wait until people start following ZAnon, the conspiracy theory that QAnon is actually a false flag designed to distract from the real truth, which is that Donald Trump has actually been Hillary Clinton wearing a Donald Trump skinsuit this entire time, and the real Donald Trump is locked in the basement of a bodega in Queens. Shits gonna get real weird when that theory starts picking up steam.”

At press time, 2021 refused to speculate about 2022, but added “I wouldn’t hold my breath.” 

Image Credit: Gordon Johnson c/o Pixabay


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