“The scientists said 6,000 Texans would die from COVID-19 unless we did social distancing, so we did social distancing and now only 500 people have died. Clearly that means the scientists didn’t know what the hell they were talking about,” said the 70-year-old lieutenant governor, as human blood dribbled down his chin and soaked his shirt.

“Look, the fact of the matter is, we live in the land of the free and the home of the brave, and that means that if a pandemic wants to ravage the population, that is it’s God-given right.”

In a week full of unprecedented and life-altering news, the most closely followed development in New England this week is that an old man living in the area has decided to move to Florida.

“Starting March 17, all students will be required to fuck off to some other fucking place. Where? We couldn’t fucking care less.”

“I just wanted to elect someone electable, so I voted for someone who I personally didn’t think was as electable because it seemed like other people thought they were electable”

“Lent is a solemn time for self-sacrifice, and also for being realistic about my life prospects”

“I got so caught up in that UBI life that I lost all grasp on reality,” said a former gang member who wished to remain anonymous

Iowa Democratic party spokeswoman, Linda Rogers of Des Moines, defended her party saying “We assure you, this was not some malevolent scheme. We are just really dumb.”

“I don’t understand how a TV show about a shape-shifting time traveling Time Lord could possibly cast a black woman to play The Doctor. It doesn’t make any sense,” said Duncan, who, as a devout evangelical Christian, is also wholeheartedly convinced that a man from the Middle East was somehow white.

“Alan is great at defending people who we all know are totally innocent like me and The Juice,” said the President