“because if we can’t tell who has [COVID-19], then neither can the virus.”

“As a band, we have strived for our music to be a refuge…inclusive of all. That’s why we’ve decided to rename our forthcoming album to merely hint at, rather than explicitly state our feeling that the American institution of slavery wasn’t actually that bad for the slaves”

“Boy, we sure are in trouble now! Watch out! They really…I’m sorry…phew…I need a minute…ooooh Lord I can’t”

“Yeah, between COVID-19, racism, and the looming existential threat of climate change, we’re feeling pretty lucky to be leaving the planet for a little while”

“The anger over the death of Goerge Floyd is a clear sign that we have failed to protect and serve the Minneapolis black community, so we are saying sorry and atoning the only way we know how: with a barrage of super repentant riot control weapons”

“All I wanna do is get in my cah, ride someone’s bumpah, and honk until they move ovah to the slow lane,”

“Ooooh, Mike in a nice pair of chinos, or a boot cut jean, man that would really get me going,” said the 34-year-old mother of two to herself somewhere in the middle of the 5th season of a TV show she’d started watching two days ago.

“As a devout Christian, I am against using any man-made device that prevents the proliferation of life.”

“The scientists said 6,000 Texans would die from COVID-19 unless we did social distancing, so we did social distancing and now only 500 people have died. Clearly that means the scientists didn’t know what the hell they were talking about,” said the 70-year-old lieutenant governor, as human blood dribbled down his chin and soaked his shirt.

“Look, the fact of the matter is, we live in the land of the free and the home of the brave, and that means that if a pandemic wants to ravage the population, that is it’s God-given right.”