WASHINGTON, D.C. – Americans across the country mourned the loss of American civil liberties on Friday night after they finally succumb to a decades-long fight against authoritarianism. “American civil liberties lived a good, long life, and will be remembered fondly for their legacy of granting us freedoms like a woman’s right to choose, affordable access to healthcare, and […]

“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Not a whit.”

“Politics is so stupid. Every politician in every party is crooked and evil and they all suck,” said 57-year-old Wendy Mendes, who has never cast a single vote in her entire goddamn life.

“If anyone is going to blackmail U.S. citizens with data obtained clandestinely from a social media app, it should be us, not them,” said Trump

“We need bold, fresh ideas in Washington and politicians who care about baseball,” said Kennedy without specifying exactly what bold, fresh ideas he was referring to.

“The only way to stop a diseased person without a mask, is a bunch of non-diseased people with masks, so that the R-rate stays below 1 and we can finally be done with this stupid pandemic,” said one state senator.

“because if we can’t tell who has [COVID-19], then neither can the virus.”

“As a band, we have strived for our music to be a refuge…inclusive of all. That’s why we’ve decided to rename our forthcoming album to merely hint at, rather than explicitly state our feeling that the American institution of slavery wasn’t actually that bad for the slaves”

“Boy, we sure are in trouble now! Watch out! They really…I’m sorry…phew…I need a minute…ooooh Lord I can’t”

“Yeah, between COVID-19, racism, and the looming existential threat of climate change, we’re feeling pretty lucky to be leaving the planet for a little while”