“If you thought murder hornets were bad, wait until the killer zebras invade in June. They’re striped, angry, and they will fuck up your shit.”

“Although Corn may have gotten off Scot-free from egregious federal crimes, this terrible turkey is still accountable to the state of New York,” said New York AG Letitia James

“Our current forecast shows Pennsylvania being the most likely tipping-point state,” said FiveThirtyEight founder and editor-in-chief Nate Silver. “So whether Biden wins and manages to bring the United States back from the brink of fascism depends entirely on whether or not your weird Uncle Brody, or Cousin Lamar, or Aunt Justine, or whatever their name is, ends up putting their ballot in a drop box by 8pm like they said they would”

“We share a border with a country plagued by gun violence, preventable disease, rampant income inequality, and a corrupt government brutally cracking down on dissidents and undermining democratic elections. In other words, a shithole,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau at a press conference on Friday.

“After the colossal shit-show that was the first debate, we felt we needed to give moderators of the second and third presidential debates a better way to keep the candidates in line.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Americans across the country mourned the loss of American civil liberties on Friday night after they finally succumb to a decades-long fight against authoritarianism. “American civil liberties lived a good, long life, and will be remembered fondly for their legacy of granting us freedoms like a woman’s right to choose, affordable access to healthcare, and […]

“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Not a whit.”

“Politics is so stupid. Every politician in every party is crooked and evil and they all suck,” said 57-year-old Wendy Mendes, who has never cast a single vote in her entire goddamn life.

“If anyone is going to blackmail U.S. citizens with data obtained clandestinely from a social media app, it should be us, not them,” said Trump

“We need bold, fresh ideas in Washington and politicians who care about baseball,” said Kennedy without specifying exactly what bold, fresh ideas he was referring to.