“The anger over the death of Goerge Floyd is a clear sign that we have failed to protect and serve the Minneapolis black community, so we are saying sorry and atoning the only way we know how: with a barrage of super repentant riot control weapons”

“All I wanna do is get in my cah, ride someone’s bumpah, and honk until they move ovah to the slow lane,”

“Ooooh, Mike in a nice pair of chinos, or a boot cut jean, man that would really get me going,” said the 34-year-old mother of two to herself somewhere in the middle of the 5th season of a TV show she’d started watching two days ago.

“As a devout Christian, I am against using any man-made device that prevents the proliferation of life.”

“The scientists said 6,000 Texans would die from COVID-19 unless we did social distancing, so we did social distancing and now only 500 people have died. Clearly that means the scientists didn’t know what the hell they were talking about,” said the 70-year-old lieutenant governor, as human blood dribbled down his chin and soaked his shirt.

“Look, the fact of the matter is, we live in the land of the free and the home of the brave, and that means that if a pandemic wants to ravage the population, that is it’s God-given right.”

In a week full of unprecedented and life-altering news, the most closely followed development in New England this week is that an old man living in the area has decided to move to Florida.

“Starting March 17, all students will be required to fuck off to some other fucking place. Where? We couldn’t fucking care less.”

“I just wanted to elect someone electable, so I voted for someone who I personally didn’t think was as electable because it seemed like other people thought they were electable”

“Lent is a solemn time for self-sacrifice, and also for being realistic about my life prospects”