“I got so caught up in that UBI life that I lost all grasp on reality,” said a former gang member who wished to remain anonymous

Iowa Democratic party spokeswoman, Linda Rogers of Des Moines, defended her party saying “We assure you, this was not some malevolent scheme. We are just really dumb.”

“I don’t understand how a TV show about a shape-shifting time traveling Time Lord could possibly cast a black woman to play The Doctor. It doesn’t make any sense,” said Duncan, who, as a devout evangelical Christian, is also wholeheartedly convinced that a man from the Middle East was somehow white.

“Alan is great at defending people who we all know are totally innocent like me and The Juice,” said the President

“We could not, in good conscience, nominate Greta Gerwig for her phenomenal work on Little Women after failing to nominate so many other talented women in years past,” said Academy member Julian Von Oldenburg

“If the Pats lose on Saturday I’m basically a worthless piece of shit,” said McGann

“I got up this morning, and as I was checking my fantasy football stats, it just sort of hit me that, when you think about it, football is just 22 guys in spandex passing a ball back and forth for 3 hours,” said 32-year-old Tyler Reynolds of Oklahoma City.

“Never heard of the Chilean Lake District? Good. Go book a vacation there and completely fucking ruin the tranquil beauty of that part of South America,” said Travel and Leisure writer Kevin Schumann.

“I was wracking my brain trying to come up with something, but our democracy is in shambles, climate change is coming for all of us whether we like it or not, and The Good Place is on its final season, so I was pretty much out of ideas,” said Jill Montgomery