“Look, the fact of the matter is, we live in the land of the free and the home of the brave, and that means that if a pandemic wants to ravage the population, that is it’s God-given right.”
Category: News
Old Man Moves to Florida
In a week full of unprecedented and life-altering news, the most closely followed development in New England this week is that an old man living in the area has decided to move to Florida.
Harvard, MIT Enact Strict ‘Go Fucking Get Sick Somewhere Else’ Policies Amid COVID-19 Outbreak
“Starting March 17, all students will be required to fuck off to some other fucking place. Where? We couldn’t fucking care less.”
‘I Voted for the Person I Thought Everyone Else Was Voting for’ Says Every Voting American
“I just wanted to elect someone electable, so I voted for someone who I personally didn’t think was as electable because it seemed like other people thought they were electable”
Man Giving up All Hopes and Dreams for Lent
“Lent is a solemn time for self-sacrifice, and also for being realistic about my life prospects”
Former Yang Gang Members Having Hard Time Re-Integrating Into Society
“I got so caught up in that UBI life that I lost all grasp on reality,” said a former gang member who wished to remain anonymous
Nation’s Best Hope For Democracy That Democratic Party Just Stupid, Not Evil
Iowa Democratic party spokeswoman, Linda Rogers of Des Moines, defended her party saying “We assure you, this was not some malevolent scheme. We are just really dumb.”
Male Sci-Fi Fan Upset About Black Woman ‘Doctor Who’ Still Thinks Jesus Was White
“I don’t understand how a TV show about a shape-shifting time traveling Time Lord could possibly cast a black woman to play The Doctor. It doesn’t make any sense,” said Duncan, who, as a devout evangelical Christian, is also wholeheartedly convinced that a man from the Middle East was somehow white.
Innocent Man Hires Former Attorney of Fellow Innocent Man OJ Simpson
“Alan is great at defending people who we all know are totally innocent like me and The Juice,” said the President
Academy Says Nominating Greta Gerwig for Best Director Would Be Unfair to Women Previously Snubbed
“We could not, in good conscience, nominate Greta Gerwig for her phenomenal work on Little Women after failing to nominate so many other talented women in years past,” said Academy member Julian Von Oldenburg