‘There Are More Important Things Than Living’ Says Texas Lt. Governor While Clutching Still Beating Heart of Latest Human Sacrifice to Economy Gods

“The scientists said 6,000 Texans would die from COVID-19 unless we did social distancing, so we did social distancing and now only 500 people have died. Clearly that means the scientists didn’t know what the hell they were talking about,” said the 70-year-old lieutenant governor, as human blood dribbled down his chin and soaked his shirt.

Old Man Moves to Florida

In a week full of unprecedented and life-altering news, the most closely followed development in New England this week is that an old man living in the area has decided to move to Florida.

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