Governor Baker Says GLX Still on Track to Bring Slow, Unreliable Service to Somerville by 2021

SOMERVILLE, MA – During a press conference earlier this morning, Governor Charlie Baker confirmed that the Green Line Extension, or GLX, was still on track to deliver slow, unreliable service to Somerville by 2021. The Governor reassured city residents, saying “I am proud to announce that construction of the Green Line Extension is proceeding on schedule, and that […]

Straight White Men Still Somehow Convinced They Change America Needs Right Now

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the third Democratic Primary debate looming, it has become increasingly apparent that straight white men are still somehow convinced that they could adequately usher in the kind of drastic change that the American people are looking for in 2020. Several straight white male candidates including former Vice President Joe Biden, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders, […]

Marty Walsh Reveals Plan to Secretly Host 2028 Olympics

BOSTON, MA – Mayor Walsh announced a bold new plan on Tuesday to secretly host the 2028 Summer Olympics in Boston. While speaking at an event hosted by the Boston Chamber of Commerce, the mayor said “The great people of the city of Boston deserve to have a world class sporting event come to their city, which is […]

Massachusetts RMV Suspends Every Single State Driver’s License for Driving Violations

BOSTON, MA – The Massachusetts RMV announced on Monday that, after a thorough investigation of in-state driving infractions, they would be suspending the licenses of every single driver in the state. Interim Registrar of Motor Vehicles Jamey Tesler cited the atrocious driving history of all Massachusetts drivers saying “Once we really started digging into the records, we found […]

Stockbroker Reaches All-Time High

NEW YORK, NY – During the closing hours of trading yesterday, Wall Street stockbroker Devin McCaskill reportedly reached an all-time high after ingesting a combination of cocaine, ketamine, MDMA, and mescaline. “We were celebrating the news that the Fed was planning to lower interest rates, and I guess I got pretty fucked up,” said the 32-year-old trader. “That’s […]

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