Patriots Release Antonio Brown Citing Strict One Felony Policy

FOXBOROUGH, MA – On Friday the New England Patriots released wide receiver Antonio Brown, citing their strict one felony policy after a second woman came forward with allegations of sexual assault. “Here at the Patriots organization, we take it very seriously any time a member of our staff, coaches, or players commits a second major crime. So when […]

Fear Something in Near Future Might Trigger Recession About to Trigger Recession

NEW YORK, NY – As worries about a possible upcoming recession reached an all time high, it became clear that those same fears of an upcoming recession would soon trigger an actual recession. “I’m predicting a recession some time in the next eighteen months” said Merrill Lynch financial advisor Bakari Jackson, “which is why I’m advising all of […]

10,000 College-Aged Men All Convinced Wellesley Party Will Have Great Guy-Girl Ratio

WELLESLEY, MA – Shortly before Wellesley College’s annual Remix party, roughly 10,000 area male college students were reportedly anticipating that the party would have a great guy-girl ratio. “Wellesley is an all-women’s college, so there are gonna be way more women than men at this party!” thought 10,000 heterosexual college-aged men simultaneously, hours before heading to the party […]

American College Student Can’t Wait to Hang Out With Other Americans During Semester Abroad in Paris

BOSTON, MA – During a recent conversation with her friends, 20-year-old Boston College Junior Emily Brown expressed her excitement at the prospect of hanging out with other American college students during her upcoming semester abroad in Paris. “I can’t wait to walk along the banks of the Seine with other Americans, sit outside a café sipping a cappuccino […]

Governor Baker Says GLX Still on Track to Bring Slow, Unreliable Service to Somerville by 2021

SOMERVILLE, MA – During a press conference earlier this morning, Governor Charlie Baker confirmed that the Green Line Extension, or GLX, was still on track to deliver slow, unreliable service to Somerville by 2021. The Governor reassured city residents, saying “I am proud to announce that construction of the Green Line Extension is proceeding on schedule, and that […]

Straight White Men Still Somehow Convinced They Change America Needs Right Now

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the third Democratic Primary debate looming, it has become increasingly apparent that straight white men are still somehow convinced that they could adequately usher in the kind of drastic change that the American people are looking for in 2020. Several straight white male candidates including former Vice President Joe Biden, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders, […]

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