Area Man Says Woman Who Politely Said no ‘Such a Bitch’

“I asked this girl at a bar if I could buy her a drink and she kindly and calmly said ‘no thank you’. God, what a C U Next Tuesday, am I right?” said the man. In a conversation later that night with another woman, the man attempted to explain to her the right way to pronounce her […]

Governor Baker Denies Existence of Climate Change ‘His Problem’

BOSTON, MA – At a press conference last night, Governor Charlie Baker repeatedly denied that man-made climate change was in any way his problem, saying “look, there’s no question that human activity is responsible for the rapid changes to our climate over the past century. All I am saying is that I am in no way personally obligated […]

Fate of Entire Nation Riding on Health of 86-Year-Old Woman

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s recent announcement that he would move forward with hearings to appoint a supreme court nominee if a vacancy were to open up between now and the 2020 election, it’s become increasingly apparent that the fate of the entire nation now rests on the health and well being of one […]

Ben Carson Glad Trump White House so Chaotic His Gross Incompetence Going Unnoticed

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a recent conversation with a staffer, Department of Housing and Urban Development secretary Ben Carson expressed relief that his complete ineptitude to perform his obligations as HUD secretary has gone largely unnoticed thanks to the chaos in the Trump White House. “I’d have been long gone by now if it wasn’t for Trump’s presidency […]

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